For fun

Just for Fun

"Angels fly because they take themselves lightly."

G. K. Chesterton

In the firm belief that laughing is generally better than crying, we offer here a few tidbits of humor.

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH
[10-2-08]

* * * * * *

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?

He answered “Call for backup.”

* * * * * *

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a babysitter.”

* * * * * *

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

* * * * * *

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, “Johnny, what is the matter”

Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

* * * * * * *

Two boys were walking home from Sunday=2 0School after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”

The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.”

* * * * * * *

Thanks to John Jackson for these.

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

[5-17-08]

Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll need to go to the toilet.

Law of Gravity

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of the Theater

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, and make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. If you don't make an appointment, you'll stay sick.

Thanks to Bill Knox!

What wisdom can you add
to this list of Laws of the Universe?
Please send us a note,
to be shared here!

Installing Your Husband ...
[2-21-08]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

~~~~~~~~~

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to the Rev. Jim Atwood, of Springfield , VA, who forwarded this to us. He is, incidentally, the author of The Leaven of Laughter for Lent and Easter and The Leaven of Laughter for Advent and Christmas, which he says offer “stimulating quotes and humorous stories listed according to the subjects one would deal with in preaching or teaching during those seasons of the church year.”

Interested in the books? Just send him a note.

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED
[5-31-07]

Men Are Just Happier People –

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes – one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it!

Thanks to the friend who sent this -- who perhaps should remain nameless.

Do your kids have trouble getting to sleep at night? Or maybe you have that problem?

Try Armor of God PJs!!

Seriously. Some pious and creative soul is offering them for sale. [8-28-06]

See for yourself >>

Replying to the Scientists’ Ball invitation

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Volta was electrified at the thought.
Ampere was worried he wasn’t up on current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
Dr. Jekyll declined – he hadn’t been feeling himself lately.
Morse’s reply: "I’ll be there on the dot. Can’t stop now must dash."
Audubon said he’d have to wing it.
Darwin said he’d have to see what evolved.
Descartes said he’d think about it.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Thanks to Witherspooner John Simpson,
who is also active in the Presbyterian Association of Science, Technology and the Christian Faith. [6-20-06]

You Know You’re Living In 2006 When...
[1-24-06]

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You forgot how to play solitaire with real cards.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person sitting at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

Thanks to Bill Knox

Best signs of the year??

You may have seen these circulating on the web, but if you've missed them, here are some signs the people have found ... well ... interesting, if not instructive. We're leaving off the comments that are circulating with them, and inviting you to create your own.

Here's the first of them. Click here for the rest >>

California Here We Come

You may well have seen this proposal for a new United States of Blue, but just in case you’ve missed it ...

By the way, the person who forwarded this to me headed it "Calofornia Here We Come." That may bode ill for the whole venture. [7-15-05]

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and antiwar, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once.

If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Princeton, Harvard, Yale, Stanford, CalTech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely, the happy citizens of New California.

Pope John Paul II gets to heaven.

St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."

Pope says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"

St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."

Pope says, "He's mad about THAT?"

St. Peter says, "She's furious."

Thanks to Barbara Battin
[6-22-05]

10 Things You Never Hear in Church

[3-16-05]

1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so she can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

Thanks to "Stuart Robertson, aka CrazyHorse"

See his Yahoo Groups e-list

Brain Cramps [7-28-04]

If you're feeling no too bright, as your WebWeaver sometimes does ("Just sometimes?" you may ask.) Take a look at these quotes, and feel brighter.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

--Dan Quayle

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

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"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

....Feeling smarter yet?

For the most recently retired jokes (like, most of them are from 2004!) click here.

For some humor that's been on this page a while and is now deemed worthy of being Honorably Retired, click here.

And for humor that's not quite as elderly, click here.

And now the newest old jokes have migrated to another page.

Don't worry -- the jokes won't be too stale. We keep them all frozen up here in Minnesota.

Thanks to Bill Knox, Harold Barton and Harry Smith

Now, what can you contribute?? Just send it along!